It's been sometime since I've updated my blog. Life has gotten busy, things have changed, and I've lost track of time. A year ago, I was nervous and excited, anxious and thrilled, constantly imagining and day dreaming of what it would feel like to be a published author. With three books published in the last year, two of which won the prestigious Ella's Way Children's Book Award, I thought it was about time to stop, reflect, and feel.
So what's happened in the last year. I've struggled with the changes in my life, struggled with my children's struggles, and have turned my life upside down.
My youngest went through a period that parents dread. The stressful, painful, and agonizing withholding BM's... and all the emotions (for her and I) that go along with it. There's really nothing like rubbing my child's back while squatting by the toilet, her screeching in pain in our local library's bathroom, helplessly trying to assure her it will be OK and trying to get her to just GO!!! I lost count of how many times I would question my sanity, question if there ever would be an end to her pain, question if what I was doing was right. And yet, here we are, past the seemingly unsurmountable achievement of doing number two pain-free, easily, and often. Thank goodness!
My youngest also graduated from a two year old to a three-nager over night. We both are working on how to navigate new emotions, new independence (but still wanting mommy), and pre-school for the first time.
My eldest has struggled in the last year, and I've struggled more as a mom than I ever thought I would or could. I'll be honest here, I didn't think I would make it out alive and whole on the other side of these issues. I seriously contemplated giving up the SAHM life, giving up trying to be a children's book author, and going back to a typical 8AM to 5PM job. My eldest has had off-and-on issues with anger, aggression, expressing emotions, and incontinence problems that keep reappearing time and time again. I tried everything. I tried all the tips and tricks, read all the books, applied parenting advice from professionals, parenting advice from friends and family, even advice from social media!
I kept thinking if I could just find a workable solution, if I could just find a set of repeatable steps and stay consistent, I could reach a solution. And yet, it turned out to be riding a bike and standing up to bullies that resolved (most) of the problems. My eldest daughter found confidence in herself, started standing up for herself, and realized she could accomplish really hard things on her own. I've never been more proud of her.
Also in the last year, our family moved from Chester to Yorktown, VA. I'm on board with the adventure. I've never been one to shy away from moving to a new place (military brat!). The reasons behind our move are logical, appropriate, and important. We moved to live with my MIL, to help her with the house and health challenges she's facing in the coming months, and to be closer to my husband's family. I always dreamed of having cousins and grandparents nearby as a kid, so I'm thrilled my girls will experience what I always craved and never had.
But this move is also bittersweet for me. I've said goodbye to Richmond and surrounding areas, where I've resided for 14 years. Goodbye to my dear friends Jessie, Kelsey, Lisa, Jamal, Courtney, Angie, Nikki, Corey, Alan, Julie, Vickie, Shelby, and so many, many more. Goodbye to the house my children took their first steps in, where I trained for my first marathon, where I completed my century ride from Richmond to Williamsburg and back, where we struggled with infertility for years and I cried myself to sleep month after month, where I learned to love gardening, the city where I found my confidence, my first apartment where I swept and mopped to a record of Florence & the Machine blasting, to the connections I made with authors and librarians and book-lovers in Chesterfield county, to Grant Coffee Company where my first book was launched surrounded by my loved ones, to the parks we visited and the picnics we enjoyed... goodbye to my home. Goodbye to parts of my soul, my life, and my story.
Saying goodbye also means saying hello to something new. I'm saying hello to living with and near family. I'm saying hello to my children (mostly) independently frolicking a neighborhood within a well established children's empire (seven kids in the house to the right, four kids in the house to the left), to a differently paced life, to meaningful time with my husband reliving his past while exploring our future, to stepping out of my comfort zone to excel as an author and small business owner, to forging new friendships, to getting closer to my MIL and learning the history of my children's father's family, to running new paths and cycling new roads. I'm saying hello to change, and embracing it best I can.
I'm taking time to feel now. Taking time to reflect. I built a lot in Richmond and Chester and I'm sad to leave it behind, to start the arduous task of beginning anew in Yorktown. I enjoy hard work, I enjoy a challenge. I'm up for it. For now, though, I'll feel, and allow hope to settle in for the next chapter in my story.
